Boomer Parenting # 16

Conflate nebbishness with maturity. Call self-amusement thoughtlessness. Your child is in high spirits? Tell him to quit farting around and take life seriously. Only compliment your son after he’s earned it through self-deprecation. The idea is to condition him, like Pavlov’s dog, to expect vitriolic reproof should he ever dare to rescue his mind fromContinue reading “Boomer Parenting # 16”

Boomer Parenting #15

Offer no support when your child is mistreated by peers or teachers. Your child must have empathy for his tormentors. Never validate his suffering. This will snip the emotional ambilocal chord of parent-child attachment. The ensuing trauma will put an end to that obnoxious phase of self-importance that haunts the years of adolescence.

Boomer Parenting #14

“Pro tip,” Dick whispered to Sam between carless bites of cheddar cheese popcorn. “Authoritarianism is the trump card of the soul-dead parent…” he went on, excited to share his secret weapon and brushing orange dust off his bulky denim trousers. “…because when you’re accused of emotional abandonment, your defense can be ‘If I didn’t careContinue reading “Boomer Parenting #14”

Boomer Parenting #13

As a matter of course, your child will someday confront you, making it known that they resent you for being emotionally neglectful. Stay calm and nip it in the bud. Treat this little face-off as an opportunity to teach your child that any attempt to gain closure is a dead end. Completely invalidate their feelings.Continue reading “Boomer Parenting #13”

Boomer Parenting #12

Thanks to my eternal fascination with television games shows, I have committed a huge amount of pop culture trivia to memory. As a result, I can’t retain any information about the details of the lives of my children. So, I’m sorry for forgetting what exactly it is you do for a living AGAIN, son. It’sContinue reading “Boomer Parenting #12”

Boomer Parenting #7

“Intellectual curiosity is for nerds. The real purpose of education is to serve as irreputable proof of your intrinsic superiority to all tradesmen,” explained Robert, his voice uncharacteristically warm. His left hand was pointing to his framed Master of Business Administration, and his right hand was patting his son’s enormous bowl cut.

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